Apparently, my best friend's mom doesn't allow my best friend to be near me. Her mom says it's because I have some kind of contagious disease. So far, from what I know, I only have asthma. If asthma is contagious, cut my head. If my best friend's mom knows some kind of sickness about me that me and my best friend doesn't know, then I would like to know what it is. My mom is telling me to stay away from my best friend too now because she can't stand her mom. Amazing .
Today, I weighed myself. In less than a month, I lost approximately 10 pounds. WTH.
High school is frustrating but I didn't know it was so hard. Today, I felt rather depressed. Sad. As if something is going to happen. It's just that I don't know what.
Today... my dad called home asking me why didn't I bring my brothers out to the festival at 8th avenue today. I told him because I didn't want to walk. The conversation went down... and I mean way down... he called me a good for nothing.. I almost.. laughed... but I remembered that I'm portraying the Joyce that appears only in front of my parents... I hung up on him.
Me.. a good for nothing that got into one of the top 3 high schools. The one who put her whole heart into getting good results from this... in the end, this being is called a good for nothing. So all those things I've done for my parents... no matter what it was, mail reading, searching for things they wanted, shopping (something I detest so much) and more.. I've done it all for nothing. It seems like they never really forgave me for that dear event that happened 7 years ago... it seems like I'm not the only one that's impatient... or the easily agitated one.
Tonight, when he gets back, maybe he'll start scolding me again. Yet he forgets the simplest fact that he owes me money. I'm quite surprised. He's not a good father. Sexist.
Just because I'm a girl, do I have to watch my body weight? Do I have to stay in the kitchen? Am I really not allowed in "men's" business? Self proclaimed men's business at that.
It's all lies. To lie to me. So that I can help them. Help them in the end. But they're pushing me to my limit. And once they surpass that limit... there's no chance or hope that I will ever help them once I am able to live on my own.
I no longer want to burden Yuheng. I think it's about time I should take care of my own problems again. Ever since a year ago, I bursted in front of him... I've been carelessly laying my burdens on top of him. Considering that he's going to stuyvesant now, I definitely don't want to trouble him no more. I will learn to concentrate on these dark matters once again by myself.
Hopefully... Yuheng solves his too. But I wish to be along him and share his burdens just like he has for me for the past year.
Today, I have finally realized that I have gone into depression again. The last time was also summer but of last year. I wasn't ready to accept the fact that I was in depression again. But just recently, all my friends have been telling me that I'm "more" sad. Usually I give off a happy vibe I suppose but I guess even through the internet, it shows. I guess 2 months being alone does make a difference. Feeling empty... eating to fill up the emptiness. I probably gained a lot too... About 5 minutes ago, I finally let everything out although I still feel like screaming. Can't scream because my brothers are here... So many things can change..
This summer, I haven't submerged into depression. I'm quite happy about that. Although I do feel quite frustrated that I thought I was back into depression but it's either I've never been in it or I easily got over it. The way my mind works is unpredictable. I've always wondered if I can ever really know what I'm really thinking about because if I think too much about it, I get this major headache.
Having 2 months of freedom (kinda), I still don't feel relax whatsoever. I feel like I'm missing something... something that I've been trying to look for unconsciously. Maybe I've been looking for the love that my family is supposed to give me. So, I've been trying to tighten the relationship between me and my brothers. I tried to have this fun atmosphere with them. It looks like it's working but deep inside, I feel as if I'm using them so it leaves me a trail of guilt that I can't erase from my conscience.
Spending time with my mother is also not working. My mom works from day till night and after eating dinner, she showers and sleeps. I almost have no conversation whatsoever with her. Sometimes, she takes days off and spends the day with me and my brothers. Sometimes, she starts getting angry and takes out her anger with us. My mom is also unpredictable.
One thing I'm not satisfied with my mother is that she doesn't quite understand me. I'm the kind of person that is looking for another that can understand me from my actions. My mom is always pushing me to buy clothes but I'm not the kind to go shopping. I don't like shopping. I'm embarrassed about how I look. However, on some days, I would feel the motivation to go shopping because I don't care about how I look like.
High school is approaching me in 3 weeks and I just hope that it will all work out well in the end.
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My mom.. she's not the type that is really nice at all. It's like she has split personalities.. I'm starting to get fed up. She tells me to stop thinking on one side... she scolds at me for talking too loudly when I'm speaking my feelings. Is this how a mother that's trying to open up to her daughter act like?
Ah.. god damned. Shouldn't have let my mom know about the stress related problems. Now mom and dad are pestering me non stop about what kind of stress I have just so that my mom can "say" something tomorrow while meeting with my guidance counselor or social worker? Ah.. have to say, nice job.
This is just stupid. Shouldn't have broke down like that last May.
Well, I always wanted to meet celebrities.. chinese ones that is. American ones... I can just forget about cause they have nothing that I am interested in.
I feel like I can communicate better with chinese for some reason even if english is my stronger point.
It's always the same. I always go back. I always do. I feel broken. Torn open. Naked. Alone.
How long will this last?
I miss him. I admit it, I never let him go. He's still in there. I thought it was infatuation. It is still infatuation. Then.. why won't he leave? Why should he haunt my dreams? Why should he chase me down?
Everywhere I turn now, I hear his name, I see his name. I figured that... he's going to the same high school as me. I hate this. I tried talking to Yuheng about this. But I didn't want to... be the one that spoils his happiness. I don't want to be like that.
I want to have someone by my side to talk to. Maybe someone like Lillian... maybe Joan... but... they never seem interested in what I do. They're just there.
Miss McGarrity once told me that I'm popular. I contradicted her and said I was not. I am not. I'm just a pitiful person out there. Laying... waiting... praying...
I wish him happiness whenever I can. I do not pay attention to other things. He's always there. I never let him go. I know all this love will not be returned.
I hardly write here anymore. It's almost the end of 8th grade. I can't wait for it to be over. High school will keep me from home a bit longer.
My brother, he had a Earth day project that was due the previous Monday and he tells me tonight. A week after and at the last moment. I have homework to do too. His so called brother won't help out. What am I to do? Both at the same time? It's hard. I lead a hard life.
Today is my 14th birthday! My dad remembered my birthday and gave me 20 bucks :p Then I bought pizza with 20 bucks, remaining 5. My dad gave me back another 20 bucks back [= I pretty much earned 25 bucks <3 My mom bought me a ice cream cake. Probably because it was a last minute thing. That cake was 16 bucks [= My brothers totally forgot my birthday, Tristory aggravated me, and etc. I go addicted to this game called chuzzle found at games.king.com. It's pretty ok. Arvind [Arv] made me a happy birthday video and she SANG it! It was WONDERFUL! First time anyone has done that for me. I felt moved [= Veronica [Vee] made me a siggy <3 That was wonderful too :D What moved me the most was that Dmunity sent me a happy birthday notice. I know that its some automatic things cause TokyoPop and Gamerz [something] sent me somethin like that too but, it was still emotional! Well.. I guess that's it ehs? [= Edwin gave me happy bdays, Cindy too, so did Charles, and Dan, and Dan and John, and Thomas, and Musixx [although he was banned], and Lily and Stephy and Helen! Almost forgot Vinnie and Yuheng <3 They were the special ones. I just felt bad that Diana didn't wish me one..
Games piss me off. Especially maplestory. I invite a few friends. They join. They have fun. They diss. The retard pretends nothing is wrong. Blames everything on me. Doesn't know the truth behind the scenes. Talking to Chris on msn. We weren't really fighting. Just a joke. Retard spreads word about me almost "blowing it off". I hate you all.
I never knew that online conversations could hurt me ever so much. I never knew it can deeply affect me so much. But... now I do. They affect me greatly.
On March 27th, my social worker told me.. I was in depression. During the two months of summer, I was in depression. I felt nothing, had no emotion for 2 months. Didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like doing anything. I rather just stay in depression than cry like this just because of some online game conversation.
On that same day but earlier, I had a nightmare. I had a nightmare about my mom dying. I was calling my mom. My mom picked up. I told her I was home from school. Then she said ok and told me what there was to eat. Then there was this huge noise in her background. There was no noise. I kept calling mom over and over again. No one replied. Then.. voices came through the phone. Men. I forgot what they said but a sudden glimpse of my mom passed through my mind at that time. Like I was there watching her. My mom was covered in blood. Her eyes were closed and just lying there.. against the side of the desk. I cried and called 911 and told them what happened. During that time, the scene changed. I was in school talking in the hallway. I was whispering as softly as possible and not showing I have a cellphone [which I do not]. My tears were still flowing. Then the police captured those 2 men. Yes.. 2. That's when I woke up.
I felt scared. I felt stressed. I couldn't handle all this anymore. After that nightmare, my mom coughs every night. She coughs hard.. she shakes when she coughs. I worry for her. I am afraid that my nightmare was a sign of foreboding. I hope not.. she's the only one I can count on with my life. Without her, there would be no decisions made.
Right now, I just feel sad... I do not know what to do. I've been called a whore, a bitch. I am private servers' worst player. A lot of people always seem to hate me when I'm in a server. My head hurts. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I cry every now and then. I wish I can build up on my self esteem. But.. that's no longer possible.
I got into Brooklyn Technical High School. I still have yet to check out their site, www.bths.edu
Sighs... I've been staying away from aim for a long time.. MSN too. Just now, I disconnected myself from this maplestory private server called DMunity. It was addicting. I felt myself being lured into it. I quit the computer once, twice, and succeeded. But now, it's all coming back. And just now, there's this person that says he's read my blog. This blog. Is he the one? Who knows? >_> I'm afraid to find out.
I still have my social worker visits in the school. She said I could grow up to be a therapist instead of some herbologist or botanist. It's because I have this kind of "insight" thing. I learn to watch and I tell things. I learn to predict and they usually come out right now since I have had so many experiences.
I'm not sinking back into depression. Yuheng is badgering me about what happened Wednesday.... I think I remember what happened. It was all because of the server. I was causing the whole server a item wipe. Thankfully, only mines. I lost my chairs. But... I felt guilty at that time.. I thought everyone lost their chairs and everything. All because of iLoveMaria. I hate all GMs.. literally. Lulu has some kind of grudge on me. Howei hates me in some way maybe. I just don't know. Maybe they don't hate me but... I feel like someone wants me dead in real life.... and in a game. I feel so insecure. Every time I log into the game, I feel betrayed, angry. But... I don't want to leave the game. So far, it's one of the best ways to communicate with Yuheng and Edwin. Best friends are meant to be there for one another. Since I hardly go on aim and msn to avoid IMs, I go on games and they follow. We converse. We share our secrets.
Sighs, next time I post, I hope I feel better. I haven't cried for a long time... I think I forgot how to...
Today, I was very worried. I had this cousin that came from China on Friday night. I was very nervous about meeting him. But, when I met him, he wasn't as "shy" as I thought he was. He was very... forward. He started the whole conversation... well, we actually wanted to talk at the same time. He went first. He asked me if my chinese was good. I can't believe that I actually remember that but, I guess he wanted to know if I was comfortable speaking chinese all the way through. He said that he had no interest in speaking english and therefore, didn't want to learn english. He said he doesn't want to be here because.. he had a girlfriend back "home". I found that... shocking. He's the same age as me but yet, he has a girlfriend. I'm not comparing the, "he got a girlfriend and I don't?!" situation. It's just that.. at his age and education, he has one. I felt bad for him. He was too nice when he talked to me. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't have came here at all. He can be easily deceived and all. Today was his first day at school. I wonder if he's getting used to it. I mean, he doesn't know english. What can he do in one of the superintendent schools? If you're wondering, he went to John J. Pershing. But, that's not the point. Sighs... I really worry. The whole day, I wasn't feeling all that good. I felt fake. I smiled like I use to but... I felt like it wasn't its usual. Other than that, I think Christine is mad at me... No... not think.. I know she is. It's just this feeling that she is. Maybe it's the wrong body language but, I'm pretty sure she is. It's all because I didn't share lunch? Sighs...
