Etsuko Sohma

Siblings don't usually get a long much. But today, I talked to my brothers.. like truthfully. It was one of those moments where we were both calm and peaceful. We just had to talk to each other. It was compelling? I'm not sure but it was... refreshing. It was a long time since me and my brother sat down and talked because we don't usually like each other. Well, this time it's different. We talked about some random things and it was kinda fun. I love my brothers... but they just don't think so. I don't think that ANYONE thinks so... but I guess I can leave it that way. Some things are meant to be left alone and some things are destined.
[Oh yeah, I'm a fate believer kind of person. I believe in karma and everything. I believe that everything was destined to be the way it is]
I'm just so weird sometimes.. thinking the most insane subjects. I wonder... the eyes that are staring out on people right now... would I have the same face the next life? Would I be the same person the next time I stare out of these eyes? It's so endless and I doubt anyone can answer my question because... even I don't know how to get it out. The eyes staring out but not able to see throughout someone. It's weird... and an interesting subject to research.
I guess this is it for today.

Today was a rainy Thursday but... I actually liked today. I didn't have to walk home with Cindy today and the weather was too perfect to miss out. I decided to visit that church again. It was a nice simple church.. but what really attracted me there? I don't know but I know that it was very... unique in its own way. When I got there... I suddenly thought of him again. But, I forgot it in a instant given to the fact that it was raining. I got home... but just recently, Pink has a new song out. It's called Sober and it reminds me of him. I've been careful laying everything out but there's always one person knowing.

I guess it's possibly impossible to forget or ignore the fact that he's still out there somewhere and that I'm probably gonna see him again.

Today, this entry is dedicated to Yuheng. He was a nice best friend for a while back there. He understood me, felt what I felt.. but yet, I felt us distancing ourselves from each other... We each had our own troubles.. pouring our secrets into a stranger's hands... but yet...we know that what we are saying to each other are true words. I hope he believes that... But here I am.. frustrating him and me... both of us in pain... and maybe.. just maybe.. I just lost another true friend in this world. I don't know myself anymore.. what have I become? a monster destined to hurt another person's feelings? I've became doubtful of myself.. something that shouldn't have happened.
It's true that I thought I had low blood pressure.. also true that I believe that I have a blood leak somewhere in my head. Why? Well, it's natural instincts that my brain tells me this information every time S hits my head really hard. J always makes these comments about how S whacks my head too hard... Well, what she saying is coming true. S is hitting me too hard.. no difference from abuse. I don't fight back.. why? I don't know myself.... maybe it's because something is tugging inside of me saying:
She's probably angry today, let her be. Let her whack you and she'll feel better maybe. Don't worry about your head... it'll heal.. what's a little more pain to your head if all you're going to do is forget it in the end? I hate short term memory.
One thing is happening to you, could be the biggest moment of your life, and you forget it. Who could understand the pain of trying to remember it through the vague mass of swirls in the head? Well, I certainly can't.. and so far.. I can't find anyone to help me. I help others.. but do you see others trying to help me? Try to open up to me? All I feel is abuse from depressants... or anger issues. They take it out on me because of what exactly? Because I'm Joyce. Doesn't matter, I'm Joyce and she'll forgive me. Well, I don't think that right now.
Tears are pouring out of my eyes because the person I thought really understood me.. really did not. He is no more than a online buddy now. No more best friend, no more discussions. but yet, people don't think what I'm saying here is true. Well, I doubt this too but if I didn't realize the liquid fogging up my eyes... I wouldn't be typing this up. Yuheng was a really great friend. I was happy to have known him... for him to be my friend once.. and I believe that once is enough.
I hate burdening people. Why? Because I know that my burdens are extremely heavy.. heavier than what I have carried... and I know that no average person would be able to hold it up. I thought that Yuheng could've been the one.. but I noticed that he has been burdening me instead and made me worse than what I was... And here I am.. a new batch of tears, unable to see through the fog. I try to make people happy and they suck the happiness out of me. I gloom people, the effect wears off. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe someone would be kind enough to read what I've been through... but how do I know that that person is out there planning ways to kill me? All this stress about high school, parents taking over my life and friends... Don't they realize what they're doing to me?
Of course not.. nothing bothers Joyce. I'm happy Joyce... not the kind of person to stay mad at anything for too long. Don't they wonder why? It's because I have short term memory and I can't remember what I was mad at them for. If I'm lucky enough, maybe I'll remember 10 years from now. But trying to forget things and remembering some.. that's a hard task I have to uphold.
Here in the little corners of my heart, I also hope that no one that I know is reading this blog. Who knows what they could be doing right now? Spreading rumors? Gossiping? Never trust anyone. But yet... I may be spreading my secrets to everyone in the world out there! I'm tired of trying to hold so many burdens, Yuheng.. I really am... but yet...
you're never there when I need you yet I'm there when you need me sometimes.
Past memories I don't want to remember comes back to me like I'm watching a movie.... but the things I truly want to remember comes up like finding a white hand knit sweater amongst a large herd of sheep, is it not? Why doesn't anyone care about my feelings once? They don't care about me when I once cared for them and that makes me angry.. typing this out doesn't help me one bit but yet I still do it.. why? Because I'm afraid that one day, I would forget... and then.. I would have no one to turn to... no one at all...
I don't have anyone I can truly trust... and I believe it wouldn't be possible anymore... so here I am.. I would find a way to change myself into a completely different person.. making sure that no one.. no one would be able to make me cry again.

Sometimes, it's hard to confirm the feelings of a 13 year old girl. It could be anything and yet, no one could understand except that special someone. Adults such as guidance counselors and therapists always say that they understand what you are feeling because they may have once experienced it. But they are lying right through their teeth. Who doesn't lie? The child would feel that telling the adult will not benefit them in any way but yet, they still explain and tell. They don't care because telling them just means an extra mouth to stuff... telling them won't lessen the burden. Maybe if they think that the child will feel better telling a person their own age.. a person that isn't impatient.. then maybe, the chances of the child getting better in mental status is higher.
Yet... they don't realize it. They keep digging into the child's past.. digging and digging.. They aren't afraid of the consequences though. The child may feel right through friends, online friends, imaginary characters, or just plainly... themselves. It has been proven that teens in depression can see themselves in their dreams.. seeing how many burdens they have and knots in their souls.
Therefore... adults should not interfere too much with the next generation's lives... They do not understand, pretending they do.. or thinking that they do. But yet.. they gain their knowledge through books, their own experiences, and their stories. They're not the ones experiencing it now.. not the ones realizing what the new technology brings them.. the troubles and everything.
Me? Well, being the eldest is hard. My mom and dad seem to lessen their anger on me. I always thought that they don't really treat me the same way as my brothers because I'm a girl and they're sexist. But then I thought again, Mom has been treating me pretty nicely these past few years when I entered 7th grade. But then, everything crashed. My parents forgot my 13th birthday.. almost everyone that knew my birthday forgot... I lost self confidence, my self esteem lowered but yet, no one noticed. The pain behind a smile is something that not all people would realize.
No one has ever taken the time to know me.. to actually distinguish my feelings. Of course, not everyone does that. But I do.. I try to distinguish feelings.. and that's how I keep clear of someone's path if they're angry, tired or any other negative mood. I learn.. and watch. Except, I don't see anyone else but me doing it. This tires me. I can't sleep. I have to think of something to do or I will bore myself to death. That is why I hold burdens and that's why I listen. People tell me what's troubling them, I try helping them solve it. Give them ideas or something. I use the free time that I have to help think of ideas. Not that I have any experience myself, but I want to help lessen the distress in this world.
Music was made to lessen the stress given to the innocent human beings but yet, it also releases more stress. Movies were made, technology evolved... everything was complicated into the next generation's lives and therefore, we live in a uncivilized society. People are only seeing what they want to see and turn a blind eye to what they don't want to see. Therefore, they create trouble between problems. If they known sooner, saw the early symptoms... maybe.. just maybe.. everything would be better. But yet, no one knows the future?
So now here I am, wasting all this time to type out my thoughts and I finally got a small part of me out. I love to help but I would also like it if I found that one person that I truly trust to tell these secrets to. I may have a supernatural memory... but I'm trying to forget a lot of the sad times... therefore.. I burst and get short term memory.. very short... I may not even remember what I did 5 hours ago. So, I really have to speak my mind. Yet, I don't have a friend within my mind radius to talk to and even if I have a friend within mind radius.. I don't have a true and faithful friend. Those are hard to find. I may be one of them or I may be one of the fakes. Who knows and who cares what I am? They don't care and they know they don't care. They just need entertainment in life and I am it. I am the happiness radiator. That's it. Therefore.. I should learn to change myself and my personality?
I don't know anymore and neither does anyone else. It's my own problems and I try to solve it myself until that someone comes. I try to mind my own business and let's hope others do the same. This is it for now I suppose. Have a great day!
---Elections Day ---
Obama or McCain?