Forebode.
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I never knew that online conversations could hurt me ever so much. I never knew it can deeply affect me so much. But... now I do. They affect me greatly.
On March 27th, my social worker told me.. I was in depression. During the two months of summer, I was in depression. I felt nothing, had no emotion for 2 months. Didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like doing anything. I rather just stay in depression than cry like this just because of some online game conversation.
On that same day but earlier, I had a nightmare. I had a nightmare about my mom dying. I was calling my mom. My mom picked up. I told her I was home from school. Then she said ok and told me what there was to eat. Then there was this huge noise in her background. There was no noise. I kept calling mom over and over again. No one replied. Then.. voices came through the phone. Men. I forgot what they said but a sudden glimpse of my mom passed through my mind at that time. Like I was there watching her. My mom was covered in blood. Her eyes were closed and just lying there.. against the side of the desk. I cried and called 911 and told them what happened. During that time, the scene changed. I was in school talking in the hallway. I was whispering as softly as possible and not showing I have a cellphone [which I do not]. My tears were still flowing. Then the police captured those 2 men. Yes.. 2. That's when I woke up.
I felt scared. I felt stressed. I couldn't handle all this anymore. After that nightmare, my mom coughs every night. She coughs hard.. she shakes when she coughs. I worry for her. I am afraid that my nightmare was a sign of foreboding. I hope not.. she's the only one I can count on with my life. Without her, there would be no decisions made.
Right now, I just feel sad... I do not know what to do. I've been called a whore, a bitch. I am private servers' worst player. A lot of people always seem to hate me when I'm in a server. My head hurts. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I cry every now and then. I wish I can build up on my self esteem. But.. that's no longer possible.
On March 27th, my social worker told me.. I was in depression. During the two months of summer, I was in depression. I felt nothing, had no emotion for 2 months. Didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like doing anything. I rather just stay in depression than cry like this just because of some online game conversation.
On that same day but earlier, I had a nightmare. I had a nightmare about my mom dying. I was calling my mom. My mom picked up. I told her I was home from school. Then she said ok and told me what there was to eat. Then there was this huge noise in her background. There was no noise. I kept calling mom over and over again. No one replied. Then.. voices came through the phone. Men. I forgot what they said but a sudden glimpse of my mom passed through my mind at that time. Like I was there watching her. My mom was covered in blood. Her eyes were closed and just lying there.. against the side of the desk. I cried and called 911 and told them what happened. During that time, the scene changed. I was in school talking in the hallway. I was whispering as softly as possible and not showing I have a cellphone [which I do not]. My tears were still flowing. Then the police captured those 2 men. Yes.. 2. That's when I woke up.
I felt scared. I felt stressed. I couldn't handle all this anymore. After that nightmare, my mom coughs every night. She coughs hard.. she shakes when she coughs. I worry for her. I am afraid that my nightmare was a sign of foreboding. I hope not.. she's the only one I can count on with my life. Without her, there would be no decisions made.
Right now, I just feel sad... I do not know what to do. I've been called a whore, a bitch. I am private servers' worst player. A lot of people always seem to hate me when I'm in a server. My head hurts. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I cry every now and then. I wish I can build up on my self esteem. But.. that's no longer possible.
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