Etsuko Sohma

Games piss me off. Especially maplestory. I invite a few friends. They join. They have fun. They diss. The retard pretends nothing is wrong. Blames everything on me. Doesn't know the truth behind the scenes. Talking to Chris on msn. We weren't really fighting. Just a joke. Retard spreads word about me almost "blowing it off". I hate you all.

I never knew that online conversations could hurt me ever so much. I never knew it can deeply affect me so much. But... now I do. They affect me greatly.

On March 27th, my social worker told me.. I was in depression. During the two months of summer, I was in depression. I felt nothing, had no emotion for 2 months. Didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like doing anything. I rather just stay in depression than cry like this just because of some online game conversation.

On that same day but earlier, I had a nightmare. I had a nightmare about my mom dying. I was calling my mom. My mom picked up. I told her I was home from school. Then she said ok and told me what there was to eat. Then there was this huge noise in her background. There was no noise. I kept calling mom over and over again. No one replied. Then.. voices came through the phone. Men. I forgot what they said but a sudden glimpse of my mom passed through my mind at that time. Like I was there watching her. My mom was covered in blood. Her eyes were closed and just lying there.. against the side of the desk. I cried and called 911 and told them what happened. During that time, the scene changed. I was in school talking in the hallway. I was whispering as softly as possible and not showing I have a cellphone [which I do not]. My tears were still flowing. Then the police captured those 2 men. Yes.. 2. That's when I woke up.

I felt scared. I felt stressed. I couldn't handle all this anymore. After that nightmare, my mom coughs every night. She coughs hard.. she shakes when she coughs. I worry for her. I am afraid that my nightmare was a sign of foreboding. I hope not.. she's the only one I can count on with my life. Without her, there would be no decisions made.

Right now, I just feel sad... I do not know what to do. I've been called a whore, a bitch. I am private servers' worst player. A lot of people always seem to hate me when I'm in a server. My head hurts. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I cry every now and then. I wish I can build up on my self esteem. But.. that's no longer possible.