I no longer want to burden Yuheng. I think it's about time I should take care of my own problems again. Ever since a year ago, I bursted in front of him... I've been carelessly laying my burdens on top of him. Considering that he's going to stuyvesant now, I definitely don't want to trouble him no more. I will learn to concentrate on these dark matters once again by myself.
Hopefully... Yuheng solves his too. But I wish to be along him and share his burdens just like he has for me for the past year.
Today, I have finally realized that I have gone into depression again. The last time was also summer but of last year. I wasn't ready to accept the fact that I was in depression again. But just recently, all my friends have been telling me that I'm "more" sad. Usually I give off a happy vibe I suppose but I guess even through the internet, it shows. I guess 2 months being alone does make a difference. Feeling empty... eating to fill up the emptiness. I probably gained a lot too... About 5 minutes ago, I finally let everything out although I still feel like screaming. Can't scream because my brothers are here... So many things can change..
This summer, I haven't submerged into depression. I'm quite happy about that. Although I do feel quite frustrated that I thought I was back into depression but it's either I've never been in it or I easily got over it. The way my mind works is unpredictable. I've always wondered if I can ever really know what I'm really thinking about because if I think too much about it, I get this major headache.
Having 2 months of freedom (kinda), I still don't feel relax whatsoever. I feel like I'm missing something... something that I've been trying to look for unconsciously. Maybe I've been looking for the love that my family is supposed to give me. So, I've been trying to tighten the relationship between me and my brothers. I tried to have this fun atmosphere with them. It looks like it's working but deep inside, I feel as if I'm using them so it leaves me a trail of guilt that I can't erase from my conscience.
Spending time with my mother is also not working. My mom works from day till night and after eating dinner, she showers and sleeps. I almost have no conversation whatsoever with her. Sometimes, she takes days off and spends the day with me and my brothers. Sometimes, she starts getting angry and takes out her anger with us. My mom is also unpredictable.
One thing I'm not satisfied with my mother is that she doesn't quite understand me. I'm the kind of person that is looking for another that can understand me from my actions. My mom is always pushing me to buy clothes but I'm not the kind to go shopping. I don't like shopping. I'm embarrassed about how I look. However, on some days, I would feel the motivation to go shopping because I don't care about how I look like.
High school is approaching me in 3 weeks and I just hope that it will all work out well in the end.
