Yuheng
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Today, this entry is dedicated to Yuheng. He was a nice best friend for a while back there. He understood me, felt what I felt.. but yet, I felt us distancing ourselves from each other... We each had our own troubles.. pouring our secrets into a stranger's hands... but yet...we know that what we are saying to each other are true words. I hope he believes that... But here I am.. frustrating him and me... both of us in pain... and maybe.. just maybe.. I just lost another true friend in this world. I don't know myself anymore.. what have I become? a monster destined to hurt another person's feelings? I've became doubtful of myself.. something that shouldn't have happened.
It's true that I thought I had low blood pressure.. also true that I believe that I have a blood leak somewhere in my head. Why? Well, it's natural instincts that my brain tells me this information every time S hits my head really hard. J always makes these comments about how S whacks my head too hard... Well, what she saying is coming true. S is hitting me too hard.. no difference from abuse. I don't fight back.. why? I don't know myself.... maybe it's because something is tugging inside of me saying:
She's probably angry today, let her be. Let her whack you and she'll feel better maybe. Don't worry about your head... it'll heal.. what's a little more pain to your head if all you're going to do is forget it in the end? I hate short term memory.
One thing is happening to you, could be the biggest moment of your life, and you forget it. Who could understand the pain of trying to remember it through the vague mass of swirls in the head? Well, I certainly can't.. and so far.. I can't find anyone to help me. I help others.. but do you see others trying to help me? Try to open up to me? All I feel is abuse from depressants... or anger issues. They take it out on me because of what exactly? Because I'm Joyce. Doesn't matter, I'm Joyce and she'll forgive me. Well, I don't think that right now.
Tears are pouring out of my eyes because the person I thought really understood me.. really did not. He is no more than a online buddy now. No more best friend, no more discussions. but yet, people don't think what I'm saying here is true. Well, I doubt this too but if I didn't realize the liquid fogging up my eyes... I wouldn't be typing this up. Yuheng was a really great friend. I was happy to have known him... for him to be my friend once.. and I believe that once is enough.
I hate burdening people. Why? Because I know that my burdens are extremely heavy.. heavier than what I have carried... and I know that no average person would be able to hold it up. I thought that Yuheng could've been the one.. but I noticed that he has been burdening me instead and made me worse than what I was... And here I am.. a new batch of tears, unable to see through the fog. I try to make people happy and they suck the happiness out of me. I gloom people, the effect wears off. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe someone would be kind enough to read what I've been through... but how do I know that that person is out there planning ways to kill me? All this stress about high school, parents taking over my life and friends... Don't they realize what they're doing to me?
Of course not.. nothing bothers Joyce. I'm happy Joyce... not the kind of person to stay mad at anything for too long. Don't they wonder why? It's because I have short term memory and I can't remember what I was mad at them for. If I'm lucky enough, maybe I'll remember 10 years from now. But trying to forget things and remembering some.. that's a hard task I have to uphold.
Here in the little corners of my heart, I also hope that no one that I know is reading this blog. Who knows what they could be doing right now? Spreading rumors? Gossiping? Never trust anyone. But yet... I may be spreading my secrets to everyone in the world out there! I'm tired of trying to hold so many burdens, Yuheng.. I really am... but yet...
you're never there when I need you yet I'm there when you need me sometimes.
Past memories I don't want to remember comes back to me like I'm watching a movie.... but the things I truly want to remember comes up like finding a white hand knit sweater amongst a large herd of sheep, is it not? Why doesn't anyone care about my feelings once? They don't care about me when I once cared for them and that makes me angry.. typing this out doesn't help me one bit but yet I still do it.. why? Because I'm afraid that one day, I would forget... and then.. I would have no one to turn to... no one at all...
I don't have anyone I can truly trust... and I believe it wouldn't be possible anymore... so here I am.. I would find a way to change myself into a completely different person.. making sure that no one.. no one would be able to make me cry again.
It's true that I thought I had low blood pressure.. also true that I believe that I have a blood leak somewhere in my head. Why? Well, it's natural instincts that my brain tells me this information every time S hits my head really hard. J always makes these comments about how S whacks my head too hard... Well, what she saying is coming true. S is hitting me too hard.. no difference from abuse. I don't fight back.. why? I don't know myself.... maybe it's because something is tugging inside of me saying:
She's probably angry today, let her be. Let her whack you and she'll feel better maybe. Don't worry about your head... it'll heal.. what's a little more pain to your head if all you're going to do is forget it in the end? I hate short term memory.
One thing is happening to you, could be the biggest moment of your life, and you forget it. Who could understand the pain of trying to remember it through the vague mass of swirls in the head? Well, I certainly can't.. and so far.. I can't find anyone to help me. I help others.. but do you see others trying to help me? Try to open up to me? All I feel is abuse from depressants... or anger issues. They take it out on me because of what exactly? Because I'm Joyce. Doesn't matter, I'm Joyce and she'll forgive me. Well, I don't think that right now.
Tears are pouring out of my eyes because the person I thought really understood me.. really did not. He is no more than a online buddy now. No more best friend, no more discussions. but yet, people don't think what I'm saying here is true. Well, I doubt this too but if I didn't realize the liquid fogging up my eyes... I wouldn't be typing this up. Yuheng was a really great friend. I was happy to have known him... for him to be my friend once.. and I believe that once is enough.
I hate burdening people. Why? Because I know that my burdens are extremely heavy.. heavier than what I have carried... and I know that no average person would be able to hold it up. I thought that Yuheng could've been the one.. but I noticed that he has been burdening me instead and made me worse than what I was... And here I am.. a new batch of tears, unable to see through the fog. I try to make people happy and they suck the happiness out of me. I gloom people, the effect wears off. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe someone would be kind enough to read what I've been through... but how do I know that that person is out there planning ways to kill me? All this stress about high school, parents taking over my life and friends... Don't they realize what they're doing to me?
Of course not.. nothing bothers Joyce. I'm happy Joyce... not the kind of person to stay mad at anything for too long. Don't they wonder why? It's because I have short term memory and I can't remember what I was mad at them for. If I'm lucky enough, maybe I'll remember 10 years from now. But trying to forget things and remembering some.. that's a hard task I have to uphold.
Here in the little corners of my heart, I also hope that no one that I know is reading this blog. Who knows what they could be doing right now? Spreading rumors? Gossiping? Never trust anyone. But yet... I may be spreading my secrets to everyone in the world out there! I'm tired of trying to hold so many burdens, Yuheng.. I really am... but yet...
you're never there when I need you yet I'm there when you need me sometimes.
Past memories I don't want to remember comes back to me like I'm watching a movie.... but the things I truly want to remember comes up like finding a white hand knit sweater amongst a large herd of sheep, is it not? Why doesn't anyone care about my feelings once? They don't care about me when I once cared for them and that makes me angry.. typing this out doesn't help me one bit but yet I still do it.. why? Because I'm afraid that one day, I would forget... and then.. I would have no one to turn to... no one at all...
I don't have anyone I can truly trust... and I believe it wouldn't be possible anymore... so here I am.. I would find a way to change myself into a completely different person.. making sure that no one.. no one would be able to make me cry again.
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